Number 1
They don’t condone victim mentality.
The victim mentality makes everyone a victim. Rescuing a child teaches them that they can rely on someone else to do it for them.
Hold your child accountable for his/her duties.
Challenge him to empower and choose.
Send a message that she is capable.
View the child as full of potential.
Victim mentality breeds learned helplessness. Your child is a capable kid who can deal with challenges.
Give him a choice you can live with.
Empowered kids to become resilient adults.
Don’t reward her when she’s having a pity party.
Don’t give in to special treatment.
Don’t minimize his feelings in an effort to ’tough him out’. Show empathy. Say, ‘I know this is hard’. But make it clear that no matter the circumstances, you have the option of how to respond.
Show that you have faith in his ability and he’ll be able to deal with adversity.
Number 2
They don’t parent out of guilt.
Handle guilt and resist the temptation to give in. Don’t say ‘yes’ just because you feel guilty. Always remember what’s best for your child.
Working moms are susceptible to feeling guilty. But according to research, the time mothers spent with their children had no effect on their behavior, emotions, academics, or overall well-being.
There is one exception – adolescents.
When mothers spent more time with their teen, fewer delinquent behaviors were reported. That’s it. It didn’t matter whether the mother had been a stay at home mom or not.
Teenagers are the critical period where they actually need to spend more time with their parents. The time with children is an intricate part of healthy development but the quality rather than the quantity of time is what matters most.
Giving in to guilt trips sends the wrong message.
Ask questions:
a. Did I do something that is negatively affecting my child?
b. Is there something I can change?
c. What can I do differently?
d. Is there something I can do to make amends with my child?
A child who blames himself or says sorry excessively may be susceptible to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.
Forcing a kid to apologize is not good. Rather than forcing, do a ‘role’ model apology. When he is old enough, he is more likely to offer a sincere apology.
Unfortunately, many kids run around saying ’sorry’ with no intention of changing the behavior. Make it clear that saying sorry requires an intent to change behavior.
Don’t be quick to alleviate the bad behavior. Don’t say it’s ok right away. Make him experience a level of guilt and let him know that this causes hurt on other people.
Number 3
They don’t make their child the center of the universe.
Too much underserved praise leads to an inflated ego. Don’t turn your teenager into an irresponsible adult.
What to do instead:
a. Set limits. That meant saying no and sticking to it.
b. Do things that didn’t involve your child. It makes your child see that your life does not revolve around her.
c. Make her earn privileges.
The fuzzy line between healthy self-esteem and narcissism.
During the 90s, low self-esteem was discussed as if it was an epidemic like a contagious disease. So to stop it, kids were taught they were special. Everyone was given trophies and promised that they were the best. Somehow, healthy self-esteem and detrimental narcissism were lost. Kids had been given too much undeserved praise. Kids had over-inflated egos and it’s the parents’ fault. Parents thought that over the top compliment leads to great self-esteem.
While honest and accurate feedback validates kids for who they are, empty praise and unrealistic accolades actually lead to insecurity. Parents who don’t know where the line is between healthy self-esteem and narcissism may easily go overboard.
Grandiose self-beliefs cause kids to lash out.
Telling your kids ‘You’re a genius in Math, or you’re the prettiest in the whole world!’ At some point, she’ll start to see that the rest of the world doesn’t agree. If she’s grown up hearing she’s the world’s best basketball player yet didn’t make it for the all-star team. She somehow has to reconcile with it too. Rather than conclude that your statements are inaccurate, she may say other people don’t recognize greatness when they see it. So she may say, ‘I didn’t make the team because the coach is dumb or the other kids only made the team because the coach feels bad for them.’
Kids who feel extra special are more likely to become aggressive in the face of criticism. They struggle at hearing words they don’t like and more likely to lash out and blame other people.
The need for admiration is never satisfied. Excessive accolades won’t build them up in the way you might think. In fact, exaggerated praise causes kids to become preoccupied with feelings of superiority. This can turn into a vicious cycle where the kids require even more admiration and attention.
Number 4
They don’t allow fear to dictate their choices.
How many of your parenting choices stem from fear? Raising a child in today’s world can feel scary. But allowing fear to dictate your choices there’s a good chance your child might suffer the consequences.
Do any of these statements sound like you?
a. I go great lengths to make sure my child doesn’t feel afraid.
b. I’m overprotective of my child much of the time.
c. I worry about my kids than most people do.
d. I rarely allow my child to go places or do things without me.
e. There are many things that I don’t allow my child to do because I worry he’ll get hurt physically or emotionally.
f. I think it’s my job to prevent my child from being criticized.
g. I devote a lot of energy thinking about the worse case scenarios my child might experience.
h. When my child is scared, I’m quick to jump in and rescue him.
i. I spend more energy calming my child than teaching him how to calm himself.
j. Much of my energy goes to reducing all types of risk my child might face.
When you parent out of fear, you won’t be able to make the best decisions for your child.
Here are the most common things parents do when fear dictates their parenting strategies.
a. They are overprotective. They limit their child’s ability to create, explore.
b. They are intrusive. The often micromanage everything and insert their opinions often when unnecessary.
c. They avoid discomfort. Making decisions based on what choice would be the least anxiety-provoking rather than what’s best for their children in the long term.
Rather than teaching safety skills, parenting out of fear avoids anything that poses as hazards. But you can’t keep your child out of harm’s way forever. It’s better to equip your child to deal with danger than assume you’re always protecting him from hazards.
Number 5
They don’t give their child power over them.
Does your child have too much power? There’s a big difference between empowering your child to make healthy choices and giving him too much power in your family.
Giving kids too much power disrupts the family hierarchy. Kids need rules, not to be the ruler. Childhood is the opportunity to learn how to make better choices. Kids’ brains aren’t fully developed yet. The parts of their brain responsible for impulse control, problem-solving, emotion regulation, decision making, don’t function the same as in the adult brain. Not only they lack the life experience, their brain isn’t mature enough to measure risk accurately. When kids gain power over adults, they missed out on valuable life lessons. They assume they already know everything. Without the proper training, is a disaster waiting to happen.
Why parents let their child have power over them:
a. Lack of leadership skills
b. They may struggle with communication skills
c. Don’t know how to motivate to take action
d. Lack of parenting skills lacks enforcing rules and consequences
e. Lack of emotional support
f. Lack of child development knowledge
Few rules equal many struggles.
Giving kids too much power hurt them in so many ways:
a. Lack of self-control.
b. Lack of self-discipline.
c. Increase the risk of health problems.
d. Increase the risk of mental health issues.
e. Lower levels of academic achievement.
f. Excessive screen times.
g. Higher rates of risky behaviors.
What to do instead?
a. Empower yourself.
Set the terms. You can eat your cookie when you’re done with your broccoli. Giving in to your child is agreeing when he says ‘I’ll only eat my broccoli if you give me two cookies.’ Use the rewards, not bribes. Saying, if you stay next to me the whole time where shopping, I’ll let you pick a little treat to have a reward. Stick to limits and follow through consequences.
b. Establish a clear hierarchy.
Separate adult conversation from child conversations. Kids don’t need to know everything.
c. Allow privileges only if it’s earned.
d. Tell your child he needs to ask permission.
e. Refuse to give in to power struggles.
Number 6
They don’t expect perfection.
Do you expect perfection? Parents want their children to succeed. But sometimes the pursuit of excellence can go too far.
Parents who demand perfection view their children as extensions of themselves. Pushing their child to do what they wanted them to do helps fulfill their unrealized dream. Living through kids is actually healing for parents. When parents experience unresolved regret and disappointment from their past, basking their child glory helps them feel pride and fulfillment. But unfortunately, even when it makes the parents feel positive, it is harmful to the kids. It’s hard to know how high is the bar.
All kids are different. There are many factors that affect a child’s development. It is important to know what’s normal for kids your child’s age, and also what is essential to keep in mind that you know your child best.
If you lose sight of your child’s strengths and weaknesses, it is easy to set the bar too high. Expecting perfection is bad for your child’s mental health.
Number 7
They don’t let their child avoid responsibility.
Do you give your child enough responsibility? Make sure you are raising your child to be a responsible adult. Sometimes it’s hard to know when your responsibility ends, and when your child begins. You raise kids until they’re twelve. After that, your role is a passenger, not a driver. It means rather than doing things for them, they should be taking responsibility and doing things on their own. Letting kids shield responsibility leads them to become immature. Kids won’t learn the skills they need to their greatest potential if you don’t make them responsible for their own lives. Irresponsible kids become irresponsible adults.
Parents do everything for their children, and their children become unprepared for the rigor of adulthood. They lack the skills necessary to succeed in the military, college, or job. If you shelter him from responsibility, he will lack the skills he needs to get by in the real world.
What to do instead?
a. Commit to creating a plan he needs to become a responsible adult.
b. Expect your child to become responsible. Parents underestimate what their child is capable of doing.
c. Hold your child accountable.
d. Look for ways you might be allowing irresponsible behavior. Make sure there is a negative consequence that teaches kids to become more responsible.
e. Repeat offenders should face the natural consequences.
Number 8
They don’t shield their child from pain.
Some parents prevent their kids to experience struggles that would help them become stronger.
Do any of these statements sound familiar:
a. I avoid telling my child the truth because I want to protect him from the pain.
b. I put a lot of effort to make sure my child doesn’t get his feelings hurt.
c. I don’t think my child can handle too much hardship.
d. I sometimes let my child win at a game because I don’t want her to feel bad.
e. I stay focus on what my child will make him happy right now, regardless of the consequences.
f. If I think my child may get rejected, I discourage him from putting himself out there.
g. I go to great lengths into prohibiting my child to take risks.
h. I don’t think kids should have to go through any type of emotional pain.
i. I want to protect my child from real-world problems as much as possible.
Trying to shield kids from pain becomes unhealthy. You can’t prevent your child from experiencing the inevitable hardships in life. Becoming overprotective sends the wrong message. Shielding kids from pain teaches them they can’t handle discomfort.
Number 9
They don’t feel responsible for their child’s emotions.
Do you take ownership of your child’s emotions?
If you always take charge of changing your child’s emotional state, he won’t learn how to do it for himself.
Do any of the ff statements describe you:
a. I don’t spend much time talking to my child about feelings.
b. If my child is bored, I think it is my job to provide entertainment.
c. When my child is upset, I word hard to calm him down.
d. I feel uncomfortable when my child is anxious, sad, or angry.
e. I put a lot of effort cheering up my child whenever she’s sad.
f. Sometimes I tiptoe around my child to avoid upsetting him.
g. I only feel like I’m doing a good job as a parent when my child is happy.
h. When my child is mad at me, I think I must have done something wrong.
i. I tell my child to calm down, but I’ve never spent time teaching her how to calm herself down.
Parents are not only responsible for allowing their child to feel pain, but also responsible for allowing their child in dealing with their pain in a healthy manner.
We invest so much time and money into academic skills, yet so little on their social and emotional skills. Clearly emotional competence might be more important than other skills that are traditionally linked to success and happiness. If the child lacks the basic skills, he wouldn’t succeed. But that’s exactly what we do with kids. We focus on academic skills and expect them to be successful in the real world, despite their complete lack of other skills. If your child is the smartest kid in the world, but he can’t tolerate feeling sad, he’ll never be willing to risk failure and rejection.
Kids who can’t control their emotions tend to control other people. It’s important for kids to learn that just because their feelings are hurt doesn’t mean someone else needs to change. Teach kids into helping them control what they feel rather than controlling what others do. They need to know that they are 100% responsible for their emotions and that they can handle feeling bad. If the kid doesn’t learn, she’ll try to control other people. Being bossy, rude, and demanding might occasionally get her what she wants. Ultimately, people aren’t going to like her very much. She may turn into someone who accuses others as insensitive or politically incorrect because she can’t accept opinions contrary to her own.
Number 10
They don’t prevent their child from making mistakes.
Do you prevent your child from failing? Many parents insist on being the driver seat of their children’s lives. They think if they can direct every movement, they’ll make sure their child never makes mistakes.
Do you respond positively to any of these points?
a. I correct my child’s homework so he doesn’t have a bad grade.
b. I can’t stand to see my child messed up.
c. I think it’s my job to jump in before my child makes the mistake rather than allow him to suffer the consequences of messing up.
d. I think mistakes should be avoided at all costs.
e. I want to spare my child the embarrassment and hurt that comes with making mistakes.
f. I fear that when my child makes the mistake, she won’t put the effort into fixing it.
g. If my child makes the mistake, I worry that I will be the one to suffer the consequences.
h. I think it’s my responsibility to spare my child the pain of failure.
i. If I think my child is doing something wrong, I feel compelled to jump in and show him the right way to do it.
j. I think preventing my child from making academic mistakes is the best way to set him up for college and life after high school.
Helicopter parents think they know best. They are so overprotective that they limit their child to make mistakes.
Parents believe mistakes are bad. They make assumptions about what mistakes really mean. Rather than a mistake is something you make, it signifies who you are. With this mindset, it’s no wonder parents prevent kids from making mistakes. They spare them from suffering a serious blow to their self-esteem.
With your support, your child’s mistake can turn them into valuable life lessons. Preventing your kids to make mistakes is teaching them that mistakes are horrible.
Mistakes are great teachers.
Number 11
They don’t confuse discipline with punishment.
What to do instead?
a. Assess yourself as a leader
b. Establish clear rules
c. Create rules
There are five types of rules:
a. Rules that promote morality
b. Rules that develop healthy habits
c. Rules that promote safety
d. Rules that promote healthy social habits
e. Rules that prepare kids in the real world (eg. homework, chores)
Create a supportive environment and consequences around these rules.
Number 12
They don’t take shortcuts to avoid discomfort.
Do you take shortcuts that backfire in the long run? Do you give in to your child when she’s whining or screaming? Shortcuts solved problems at the moment.
Persistence and patience are key.
Constructive mantras that will help your child:
a. ‘Keep moving my feet, one step at a time.’
b. ‘I can wait’.
c. ‘I’m a tough kid.’ This can help him be brave.
d. ‘Just one cupcake’. [to resist the second one]
Saying to your teen to stay away from alcohol because ‘it’s bad to drink’ – can backfire. Warn your teen about the dangers instead.
Number 13
They don’t lose sight of their values.
Create a family mission statement, that you can examine and change over time. Periodically step back and review your activities to make sure they are in line with your beliefs.
What’s helpful?
a. Knowing your values.
b. Assessing whether your behaviors are in line with values
c. Looking for teachable moments to instill your values
d. Talking about ethical dilemmas
e. Giving your child an opportunity to practice living according to your values
f. Pointing out examples of times when the child behaved according to your values
g. Creating a family mission statements
What’s not helpful?
a. Sending mixed messages about what’s important to you
b. Getting your priority mixed up
c. Being unclear about what you really value
d. Expecting your child to passively learn your values
e. Assuming your child’s good behavior means he’s adopted your values
f. Getting caught up in parenting competitions
